Power Ranking the questionably attractive ladies of "Hot in Cleveland"

In this post-cable wasteland of television choices, I first realized that one of my only two viewing options when I wake up before 6 AM weekdays was a syndicated program about 3 old bats moving from Los Angeles to Cleveland, OH to feel more attractive. There is a lot to unpack here; that said it is pretty easy to get a sense of how the main characters stack up:

1. Melanie (2nd from left) - played by veteran actress Valerie Bertinelli, Melanie is the alpha of her friend group; the reason for the season aka the one who actually tricked everyone into moving to Cleveland. In this morning's episode, she has a fling with a 'Shrimper', the show's term for a man with a foot fetish. Lusting after feet is SO cleveland..

Ms Bertinelli remains unimpressed with this Cleveland schmoe..

2. Joy (far right) - wonderful accent; that said Jane Leeves' 'Joy Scroggs' character seems damned by her insecurity and may never find a good man. That said in tonight's episode she finds a similarly delightful accent british Cleveland news anchor; maybe there is joy in Joy's future after all?

I have not paid close enough attention to know what that crud is on her face

3. Victoria (far left) - by far the most specious claim of 'hot' in the main cast, Victoria's character overcompensates by landing a job as a news anchor opposite the dude on top of Joy in the above picture. Victoria further confuses audiences by being BY FAR the cockiest member of the main cast. A classic hollywood 'that girl?', IMDB tells me that I probably recognize Victoria best from her stint doing the same role in the '90's classic Just Shoot Me..

Dead Last: Whatever Betty White's character is called - TV purists will tell you that Danny DeVito's involvement in It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia is the worst thing about that show. Hot in Cleveland ain't anywhere near that funny; and Betty White feels about 1,000 times more shoe-horned as the landlord of the main characters of Hot in Cleveland. If you can remember the early 2010's Betty White craze where she was just fed age inappropriate lines, you can imagine what's wrong with this character. Total disaster...

To the Mayor of Cleveland: Fix the fire-belching smokestack & save Slavic village!!