I think we can all agree that Coach Bill Cowher is probably the greatest football coach who ever lived. In honor of yesterday's Cowher Power level performance (ending a Cincinatti bengals season), let's take a look back at the retirement speech i will shamelessly copy when I decide to hang 'em up.
The Jokes
"Feels like a Tuesday"
"To Kevin Colbert, who officially today becomes the number 1 ranking at racquetball"
"You can never take the Pittsburgh out of people. I'm one of you; yins know what I mean"
Coach Cowher is everyone's dad; and these are wonderfully appropriate dad jokes. But how could you joke at a time like this? Let me explain.. Always great at reading the room, Coach knows that the horrified press can't imagine anything worse in this world than to see Coach Cowher resigning. Calm under pressure, Coach knows just what to say to comfort an emotional City of Pittsburgh on what was always going to be a difficult but inevitable day. Shout to the comedic rule of three's. Every joke a 10/10, Is there anything Coach Cowher Can't Do?
The emotion
You could cut the tension with a knife as Cowher intones "after careful and deliberate consideration, i have decided to re, resign as head coach of the stillers", but please note, crucially, that he NEVER comes close to crying. Coach Cowher is a model of masculinity.
Sincerity
Coach Cowher was born and raised here. His parents live here, his brothers live here; heck, his parents have gotten to watch his 3 kids grow up. Coaching the Stillers to a super bowl victory was a lifelong dream, and to do that in the city he was born & raised was a great honor for him. No Coach; it was a great honor for us to have been able to experience your greatness
Shoutout to Marty Schottenheimer
I always thought Marty Schottenheimer was a scrub retread type coach, always one missed field goal away from a hopeless job leading the Browns. I guess we can count one of the greatest coaches in the history of professional sports among this mediocre bum's coaching tree
The endless camera shuttering
What a wonderful time capsule this press conference is. It was not so long ago that Mike Tomlin was hired to the impossible task of replacing the great Coach Cowher; and yet if you had this press conference today all the brat millennials would be on their iPhones the entire time. What a mess we have made of Steve JOb's legacy...
To the fans
"The greatest fans in the world, ain't it true. you can take the people out of Pittsburgh, but you can never take the Pittsburgh out of people." I swear on the mighty Monongahela, truer words have never been spoken
The toy Lombardi trophy
I think we can all agree the jury's still out on the Rooney's, an Irish family who bought a NFL franchise with winnings from a good day at the race track. Tough to trust an Irish who spends all his free time betting ponies; that said its a classy move to get a little Lombardi trophy made for Coach to put on his mantle.
To his wife
Behind every great man is a woman; I can think of no greater model for a nuclear family than the Cowhers. Just wonderful.
That Sweater
Electricity. The utility that keeps the lights on. Coach Cowher was a shining star, I count his 15 years leading the Pittsburgh steelers among the greatest years in human history. I've got a feeling, Pittsburgh's going to the Super Bowl :,)
P.S.
Belichuck may have cheated to win a few head-to-heads in the AFC championship; but this type of emotional farewell is exactly that kind of honor that that conniving goblin will never get in NE
Thank you Coach
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