Let's try to figure out what's wrong with Cincinnati

https://youtu.be/ycoe7us5bbM?t=1m21s

People have been making fun of Cleveland longer than I've been alive. But let's see if Cincinnati deserves to get away with being a major city in Ohio without scrutiny...

The Elephant In The Room

Skyline chili is objectively disgusting. The chili is runny & gross; the cheese quality is poor, hot dogs are made of lips and you know what. That being said, it is, as many gross foods are, a wonderful drunk food, and the quality of oyster crackers cannot be questioned. Much like Primanti brothers sandwiches, you would never eat Skyline chili on a regular basis, but if you are passing thru Cincinnati, a meal at Skyline on a whim is completely acceptable.

Is Andy Dalton Actually Good?

The Bengals are 10-2 this season, LOL. Is their embattled 0-life in the playoffs QB any good?

TCU Horned Frogs

As a freshman in 2007, Andy won the starting QB job verse Marcus Jackson (never heard of him) and went 8-5 as a freshman, winning MVP of the Texas Bowl in a 20-13 win over Houston (never heard of it). 

In his second year TCU went 11-2 in the Mountain West conference (lol) and was named MVP of the Poinsettia Bowl in the Horned Frogs' 17-16 victory verse Boise State (LOL)

As a junior skipping all his classes & preparing for the NFL, Dalton led TCU (who still plays in the MWC at this point) to a perfect 12-0 season and a Fiesta Bowl berth. He is not named MVP of anything as the Horned Frogs lose a heartbreaker 17-10 loss verse, you guessed it, Boise State (LMAO)

Dalton left school without a degree and the following legacy: most career wins, passing yards, pass attempts, pass completions, and completion percentage. He is almost certainly the best player in TCU history and directly responsible for their move to a real conference; while at the same time never playing/beating a real team and leaving with his best win being verse an upstart Boise State program, LOL. Jury still out

Dalton as a pro

Bengals history since Andrew Dalton was selected 35th overall in the 2011 draft:

• His selection immediately forces the Bengals to honor a trade demand from former number 1 overall pick Carson Palmer. The Bengals dominate the Jokeland Raiders in trading Palmer, receiving a 2012 1st round pick (probably Dre Kirkpatrick) & 2013 conditional 2nd round pick (probably Giovani Bernard). Just incredible. Without taking a single snap in the NFL, Andy Dalton's presence has directly improved the Cincinnati Bengals by creating 2 useful players out of the corpse of Carson Palmer. The Raiders are probably going to move back to Los Angeles next year
• Dalton starts his first game on September 11, 2001, beating the Cleveland Browns. So at 1-0 as an NFL starter, guy still hasn't really beaten anyone better than a power 5 college team...
• Bengals go 9-7 in Dalton's first year and earn a wildcard playoff berth. 
• The Bengals draw the TJ Yates-led Houston Texans in the first round, the first playoff game in NFL history to be started by 2 rookies. Dalton has 3 turnovers as the Bengals get blown out 31-10
• After a 9-7 rookie season that ended with a blowout playoff loss verse the Texans, Dalton receives the Emerging Player Award from the NFLPA at the NFLPA PULSE awards, which I have never heard of. Other (better) players who were also nominated: Cam Newton, Jimmy Graham, Gronk, Ndamukong Suh
• Dalton was also named to the pro bowl as an alternate after coward New England QB Tom Brady deflated his way to an AFC championship win 
• 2012 - the Bengals fan who wrote this wikipedia article wants me to highlight the fact that 2nd year Dalton earned a 34-27 home win verse the pathetic Cleveland Browns. The Bengals will go 10-6, earning an AFC wildcard playoff berth. The Bengals draw, you guessed it, the Houston Texans, losing 19-13 in a game in which neither Dalton or Matt Schaub was able to complete a touchdown pass. 
• 2013 - Bengals go 11-5 and win the AFC north. This was the year the Steelers scored a safety on the opening play verse Tennessee when some jabroney downed the ball wrong on the opening kickoff of the whole NFL season and still managed to start 0-4. The Steelers miss the playoffs on a ridiculous don't-control-your-own-destiny scenario and the Bengals are gifted a mediocre San Diego Chargers in the wildcard round. Cincinnati is blown out 27-10. The chargers are probably going to move to Los Angeles next year
• 2014 - Cincinnati rewards Dalton for his first 3 seasons with a 6 year, $115 million dollar extension, probably the worst contract in NFL history. Dalton leads the Bengals to a hilarious 10-5-1 record, en route to a wildcard loss verse the fake good Indianapolis Colts
• 2015 - the Bengals are 10-2 heading into today's Steelers game. If the season ended today they would play and almost certainly lose to some junk franchise like the Jets

Pro's: His hair matches the jerseys. Red Rifle is a great sports nickname espec. in this b/s PC society..

Is Marvin Lewis actually the problem?

I dunno man, I've long thought that the reason the Cleveland Browns will never be good is a propensity for scumbag efforts to take shortcuts and not let one guy have the >2 years of job security that would be necessary to clean up that mess. Marvin Lewis regularly posts respectable regular season numbers for a franchise history known for Ickey Woods buying cold cuts and being a less sympathetic lovable loser than Cleveland. Lewis has firmly established the Bengals as a fake good team and you could do worse as a professional sports fan living in basically Kentucky

What about a book report style deep dive into how Cincinnati came into existence?

I think its pretty well established that I actually do have all day for this; that being said I would like to shower and put on socially acceptable clothes before the Steelers game starts. Cincinnati was founded by European Americans in 1788 who landed at a spot at the confluence of the Ohio river and the Licking river and decided to settle. Originally named Losantiville (terrible), it was renamed Cincinnati by Arthur St. Clair, in honor of the Revolutionary War veterans' Society of the Cincinnati. The society of the cincinnati is named after Lucius Quinctius Cincinnatus (seriously), a man who abandoned his blue collar job on a farm for a cushy gig as Roman Consul. Cincinnati is the 65th largest city in the US (3rd place in Ohio) and almost certainly the most frequently mispelled. The NFL probably dropped the ball when they decided to award a franchise to them instead of Columbus.

The mayor is democrat John Cranley, whose name frankly sounds made up. Locals refer to themselves as Cincinnatians, which is a bit much in my opinion. Nicknames include Queen City (heard of it) and Fountain City (never ever ever heard of it). Flag is about a million times better than Cleveland's:

"Juncta Juvant" doubles as their motto and it's a damn shame that we will never find out exactly what that means. 

Cincinnati peaked in 1840-1860 as the 6th largest city in the US. From wikipedia "In the late 1800s, Cincinnati was commonly referred to as the 'Paris of America' due mainly to such ambitious architectural projects as the Music Hall, Cincinnatian Hotel, and Shillito Department store." Well thanks for having the ambition to invent hotels and stores guys. However as a citizen of the current day "Paris of America" I remain unimpressed.

Large companies/employers in the area include Procter & Gamble, Kroger, and Macy's. For reasons I don't understand, I am supposed to hate Macy's for being the final nail in the coffin on closing downtown Pittsburgh department stores. Kroger is a pretty bad grocery store that people in Columbus would regularly refer to as "Kro-ghetto". Shout out to P&G for making Head & Shoulders I guess.

Cincinnati culture is informed by German & Irish immigrants; aka kind of a mixed bag. Germans seem like a hardworking people with strong morals and absolutely no sense of humor; the Irish are pretty much universally the least liked European immigrants to USA (see 'Gingers have no souls' etc)

Favorite Foods

Aforementioned skyline chili aside, Cincinnatti apparently loves Schnitzels and Bavarian cooking; aka some of the worst stuff to come out of Europe. Wikipedia says if you are ever stuck in Cinncinnatti, you could do worse than "The Maisonette in Cincinnati", which makes sense bc the French are so much better at food than the Germans. Aside from chili, wikipedia would like me to know that Cinncy is also known for Goetta, which is, quote, "a German-inspired meat-and-grain sausage made of ground pork and pinhead oatmeal, usually fried and eaten as a breakfast food". I would encourage any pinhead traveling fans of the best NFL fanbase in the world (stiller nation) to sample this morning.

Local events

Oktoberfest Zinzinnati - gimme a break

Bockfest - worst style of beer bar none

Taste of Cincinnati - i have been several times (family reasons); the pavement is sticky and memorial day temperatures regularly go north of 90 degrees. go get grandma some $3 bottled water

Flying Pig marathon - fitting name for your marathon, dorks. hahhaha

Dialect

~Quote "unlike the rest of the midwest, cincinatians actually share aspects of its vowel system from New Jersey english" Well we all know New Jersey english is about the worst take on English, USA Division, so the nasty natty doesn't even get the friendly midwesterner boost. 

Colleges

UCincy - you ever met a bearcat you didn't not like?

Xavier - I used to work with a guy from Xavier who's favorite shot at the bar was called "Sex with an alligator". Shudder to think what the girls here are like. Musketeers are randomly really good at college basketball. Once saw a Lady Musk's game where the starting point guard was named Special Phillips

Anecdotal

I once drove to Cincinatti and back in the same night on a dare. My friend from the natty tells me that "Over the Rhine" is so dangerous that to be there when the sun goes down is essentially putting your life on the line. Skyline chili has made me sick several times but damn if they don't have a jingle right up there with "remember.. isaly's" that just makes you want the stuff. More of my college friends came from Cleveland than Cinncy, not sure what that means. Have family from there whom I love dearly. Reds have an ok stadium with a view of a river, except instead of skyscrapers you have to look at Kentucky. I really like "Dewey's Pizza" from the area. King's Island is their version of Kennywood. Once saw a young Ryan Getzlaf visit the Cincinatti Cyclones at a minor league hockey game.

Verdict

It's obviously worse than Pittsburgh. Probably worse than Columbus. Different bad from Cleveland but gun to my head I think I live in the mistake by the lake before taking a job in the natty. 

Steelers 26-21. The rams are probably going to move to Los Angeles next year