Heinz ketchup is a local treasure. It is not a typical business in the sense that as Pittsburghers, Heinz ketchup belongs to you and me. As anyone from the City of Bridges will tell you, the clowns at Hunt's couldn't ketchup their way out of a paper bag.
With all of that being said, I am starting to worry about the north shore's titans of the condiment industry. I just learned the distressing fact that as a result of their merger with the faux-cheese conglomerate Kraft & the crooks who run NE, Heinz's ticker symbol is actually KHC.
Look, in a 50/50 merger you can't lay down and take the second name. This is fundamentally the reason that there's no such thing as a 50-50 merger; the winner is obviously the company who's name is first. Kraft Heinz doesn't even sound the best; don't let yourself get bullied like that. Digging deeper i think there's something fishy here. Fans of the 2004 US presidential election will recall Heinz heiress Theresa Heinz Kerry literally got in bed with noted flip-flopping democratic candidate John Kerry. One of the greatest shows of all time, Mad Men, portrays the Heinz account guy as an ineffectual squid. Has it always been this bad?
This is a matter of public interest; inventing the greatest condiment in the history of hotdogs is a point of pride for our great city. When I finally run for and am elected mayor of Pittsburgh on the platform of abolishing bike lines; my first act in office will be to engage in a hostile takeover of Heinz headquarters and get someone smart like Neal Huntington in charge.
i'm meeting an old friend from heinz for lunch later, we have a lot of catching up to do...
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