He's smoothing it.
Opening scene: Tim Whatley's Hannukah Party
Jerry - you might not know it to look at him but he can run really, really fast.. gets involved with a nice young lady who really knows how to find the light
Elaine - Standard fake is coming out tonight; numbers spell out NO ELAINE, the extra e is for Eugh. She likes big metal buttons..
Denim Vest - he's smoothing it.. they aren't buttons, they're snaps. Him and Elaine should go out some time..
Whatley - everything coming up Heisenberg, free yankee tickets from George, his party is like studio 54 with a menorah, just going up to beautiful NYC singles with A+ pick up lines like "mazel tov"
The Coffee Shop
I got a card and they stamp it every time I buy a sub.
Jerry - How did it go with that girl? great, they're going out tomorrow night
George - how did it go with that cocktail platter? great, he had to call in sick. but didn't he call in sick yesterday? hey, he works for kruger industrial smoothing; they don't care and it shows. Can't take chiding from friends anymore so he's going to work, are you happy now?!
But why did he bring his mail to the coffee shop? Back off man, at least he's bringing something to this! The mail backfires in a huge way as Whatley returns his gift of Yankee tickets with a donation to the Human Fund AND his father sends him a Happy Festivus card; this leads to a merciless roast from Jerry & Elaine..
George's dad (not pictured) - when George was growing up, his father hated all the commercial and religious aspects of Christmas so he made up his own holiday. Instead of a tree there was an aluminum pole, and weren't there feats of strength that always ended up with George crying? Another piece of the puzzle falls into place
Elaine - nothing for her, thanks. She's going to atomic sub later. why you ask? 24 subs and she becomes a submarine captain. Free sub for this gal. More to come...
Jerry's Apartment
Are you reading my VCR manual?
Elaine - Do you know what it's like to eat 23 bad subs and be 1 sub away from a freebie? Maybe it's like a long bad movie but you stay to see how it ends. Or is it more like a long bad book but you gotta finish it? No, in that scenario you would wait for the movie. Either way, it seems like the only reasonable course of action is to get in touch with her standard fake and see if Denim Vest tried their number
Jerry - enters his apartment to discover his neighbor laying down on the couch reading the VCR manual. Posits that high-end late '90's sub restaurants would have rewards cards computerized by now because scientists were able to clone sheep.
Kramer - Helpfully points out that no one has cloned a sheep, it's the same sheep, he saw them do that trick on the old Dean Martin show. To this day, we still don't have computerized sub shop loyalty cards. In other news, the strike's been settled! Kramer's protests have established a new minimum wage and he's going back to work
H&H Bagels
No, I'm sure they all got other jobs, like, ten years ago.
Kramer - Strike's over baby! And a lot has changed; in addition to the new minimum wage, there are raisin bagels now. I never thought I'd live to see the day..
Bagel Shop Guy - Not completely sure he understands why Kramer has been on strike for 12 years, but he could use someone for the holidays. Toss Kramer an apron; let's bagel
The horse track
I'm a man.
Charlie - one of the most memorable moments in Seinfeld history is when this random bookie's voice cracks ironically while he reads his only line, "I'm a man". Dangerously close to getting the stunning Elaine's phone number..
Unnamed race track guy - Elaine Benes makes a lot of man friends. He's been getting calls for her for five years. Sure Elaine, he'll let you know when vest guy calls, just give him your number and then he'll have it
Elaine - really under the gun in this scene; 24 bad subs just to earn one freebie was always a dubious premise but you can tell she's in trouble when she pulls out what must be a 13 year old business card for her friend who used to work in a bakery. Cosmo Kramer, bagel technician indeed. Puts a sawbuck on Captain Nemo in the 3rd at Belmont
La Boite en Bois
Tsk.
Tim - out on a date with a nice girl, just slinging Jewish terms left and right in light of his recent conversion of faith. Mazel tov to you and yours
Jerry - actually out with a girl he met at Tim's party; let's see if he recognizes her
Gwen - absolute scene stealer here; come on, Jerry, our table is ready
Jerry's apartment
The homeless won't even touch 'em.
Jerry - another week, another problem with the girl he's seeing. Attractive one day, not attractive the next; have you come across this syndrome? She's a two-face, like the Batman villain (if that helps you)
George - Rapid fire guess that movie quote "so from date to date I don't know who's showing up, the good the bad or the ugly?" CLINT EASTWOOD!
Hey check this out, George has to get gifts for everyone at work so he's pulling a Whatley. The Human Fund, Money for people. He made it up, it has a certain understated stupidity. THE OUTLAW JOSEY WALES! Happy festivus Georgie..
Kramer - Bagels on the house. No he didn't make them, they're day olds, The homeless won't even touch 'em. We try to fool 'em with a couple fresh ones but they dig, they test.. Interested to learn more about the holiday Frank Constanza invented, gosh, he's so prolific
Elaine - She's got a little phone relay going, if Kramer hears anything about a sub card from Denim Vest he is to contact Elaine right away. There may be a Captain's hat involved...
H&H
I went to buy a doll for my son.
Frank - Many christmases ago, he went to buy a doll for his son. At that moment, another man reached for the same doll. As Frank rained blows upon him, he thought, there had to be another way. The doll was unfortunately destroyed. But from that destruction, a new holiday rose from the ashes. A Festivus for the Rest of us!!
Kramer - totally enthralled by Frank's Festivus origin story, and man, that must have been some doll. She was..
Kruger Industrial Smoothing
Not if you could see our books.
George - loved Phil's cigars and his Human Fund scam seems to be working like a charm. Presents from everyone and he doesn't gotta buy nothin'!
Mr Kruger - Merry Christmas? Not if you could see our books. What is this? The Human Fund, money for people? Whatever (exactly)
Phil - we can only wonder what damage George callously throwing the fake donation card into his office has caused. The holidays can be a stressful time for us all
Frank explains the feats of strength
and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you
Frank - Festivus is back baby! I'll get the pole out of the crawl space
Kramer - this new holiday is scratching him right where he itches; it will be interesting to see what happens next! Listen Harry, he needs the 23rd off
Harry (possible H from H&H bagels?) - Hey, he hired Kramer to work the holidays, this is the holidays. Tries to infringe on Kramer's right to celebrate holidays. That's not a right? well it's going to be; your new bagel guy is going back on strike. Yeah its a walkout!
Elaine - Any word from denim vest? Uh, no. Can't go with Kramer, she has to wait for a phone call & decides to side with management. Scab!!
Gwen in the car
Hey.
Gwen - looks incredible in this scene, simply marvelous
Jerry - boy is he glad to see Gwen; was he expecting someone else? You never know..
Restaurant
and the next, she's ugly and advancing the runners.
Jerry - distressed after his recent date with Gwen in which she was switching, back and forth, between being attractive & unattractive. Like one of those three-dimensional baseball cards that changes depending on the angle. The only place she really looked good was that back coffee booth; but can he really just keep bringing her here? This is all he really needs and if things progress he can just go lights out. He'll give it a shot; after all he does really like this coffee shop.
George - I'm telling you, this Human Fund thing is a gold mine. Nice cufflinks from a work Christmas gift; no this isn't a french-cuffed shirt, George cut the button off and poked a hole through with a letter opener
Kramer & Frank - Festivus is George's heritage; it's part of who he is. George brought one of the tapes. No, turn it off, I hate the feats of strength!
Gwen - Is Jerry ready to go? Uh, no, why don't we stay here, the back booth just opened up..
Bagel Strike
Hey. No bagels. No bagels. No bagels.
Kramer - the Festivus bagel strike is in full force and Kramer has even sabotaged the bagel machine (you've been warned). How do you like your bagels now?
Elaine - still no call from the Denim Vest; if she wants a sandwich I'll make her a sandwich, but no, she wants the one she earned
Harry - the steam valve broke; can we still make bagels? Sure, it's just a little steamy..
Twenty thousand dollars?
All right. I'm going home.
$20,000 - Made out to the Human Fund. I'm supposed to find a charity and throw some of the company's money at it; they all seem the same to me so what the hell
Kruger - Ah, damn, locked himself out of his office again. Only one thing to do about that...
I just found a rubber band in my soup
how many times do we have to come to this...place?
Gwen - frankly starting to get a little tired of coming to the same coffee shop all the time. She really does look stunning in that back booth
Jerry - He'll be there..
George - What is he going to do about the check for $20,000 dollars? Maybe he could be a philanthropist; a kick-ass philathropist. Gets a free bowl of soup prepared by Paco
The vest just called
Yamahama. It's fright night.
Elaine - in 10 minutes she's going to have her hands on that atomic sub card. And? Uh, a free sub.. Got a little steam bath
Kramer - No bagel no bagel no bagel no bagel...
Gwen - reintroduces herself to Kramer; they met at the coffee shop. But no, Kramer's seen Jerry's girlfriend and it's not her. She's much better looking and like a foot taller. So Jerry's just been sneaking around this whole time? Oh yes, he's a tom cat..
Denim vest - still sticking with the denim. Horrified by Elaine's appearance, he exits the encounter as quickly as possible and gives elaine a fake number. Blimey
There's a memo here, from accounting, that says there's no such thing as the Human Fund
KRUGER: George, we've got a problem.
Kruger - If there's no such thing as The Human Fund then those donation cards were fake. There had better be a damn good reason why George gave him a fake Christmas gift
George - gave out the fake cards because he doesn't really celebrate Christmas, he celebrate Festivus. Not feminist, FESTIVUS, and he was afraid he'd be persecuted for his beliefs.They drove his family out of Bayside! He's not making this up, Festivus is all too real, and he can prove it, if he has to.
Yeah, he probably should (prove that Festivus is real): probably the funniest 2 minutes in television history
It's a Festivus miracle!
The finale of Seinfeld aired on May 14, 1998 to mixed reviews. in the ensuing ~17 years, the show has been in syndication; ie available to watch multiple times every day to anyone with access to cable television (and often free over-the-air TV like FOX). That said it has been off the air for 17 years, so it would be a little ridiculous for me to have an expectation that every person in my life in 2015 with a sense of humor is a Seinfeld person. All of THAT being said, if you don't love the last 2 minutes of Seinfeld Season 9 Episode 10 "The Strike," have you ever really lived at all? Let's run down every character's Festivus:
Kruger
I find your belief system fascinating.
The airing of grievances is basically a roast of everyone in Frank Costanza's house, and the first guest of honor is George's boss Mr Kruger. Have you see the pole, Kooger? Very high strength-to-weight ratio. Anyway my son tells me your company stinks! "You couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe," is one of the more perplexing lines in Seinfeld history. Lost my train of thought..
Gwen and Jerry
How did Gwen know Jerry was here? Kramer told her! Another Festivus miracle. An earlier misunderstanding where Kramer assumed Jerry was cheating on his girlfriend comes to a head when Gwen sees Jerry sitting next to an Elaine who has frankly seen better days. Jerry runs after Gwen to try to save the relationship but pauses when her appearance under the dim lighting of the porch leaves something to be desired. Speaking of Elaine..
What ever happened to that horse she bet a sawbuck on?
He had to be shot.
Oh.
Elaine never gets her free sub, loses her horse bet, and gets rejected by a Denim Vest guy she was never really interested in in the first place. The mediocre quality of the above camera phone picture makes it look kind of like a water color when blown up. Hulu remastered my ass..
Gwen also gets a good boom roasted in on her way out at Laney's expense: "I guess this is the ugly girl I've been hearing about"
Hey, I was in a shvitz for six hours. Give me a break.
Kramer
Another Festivus miracle!
Perhaps the biggest loser of the Festivus proceedings; Kramer's strike efforts caved when he really needed to use the H&H bathroom. Despite being picked as the man of honor at this year's celebration, he has to leave to work a double at the bagel shop. More on that later..
Frank & Estelle
I got a lot of problems with you people!
Frank dominates the scene with the hilarious traditions he invented around festivus. From roasting complete strangers to challenging his son to a wrestling match, Frank is the straw that stirs the drink in this classic Seinfeld episode. No offense but this whole holiday's a little (bird noises) out there..
Dinner's ready.
In a scene with so much talent, there isn't much for Estelle to do here; that said she nails giving Kramer a physical comedy cue by bursting out of the kitchen and hitting him with the door
Charlie from the horse track
[MOUTHS] Yeah.
I have to assume this is a goof on mid '90's New Jersey..
Georgie
FRANK: Stop crying, and fight your father!
Kramer you can't go; who's going to do the feats of strength?
How about George?
Until George pins his dad, Festivus is not over. Let's be sensible? I think you can take him Georgie. Despite being pinned by an old man and having to yell uncle in front of his friends and family, I think you could argue George had the best Festivus in the group just b/c he got away with the Human Fund shenanigans
This was the best festivus ever
PS - funny scene after last commercial
Dialogue from this scene:
HARRY: Alright, that's enough. You're fired.
KRAMER: Thank. You.
Is Kramer the best physical comedian of all time?
