Local royalty I have met since my last post

The only reason I haven't posted anything since February 9th is because I've been getting bombarded by bucket list quality run-ins with a veritable who's-who of Western Pennsylvania. Let's power-rank 'em...


4. Punxsatawny Phil & his handlers

PA's most famous groundhog and the weird club of tophat & tuxedo dudes who care for him were in town for a random Saturday afternoon Pens-Canucks tilt. It was a huge honor to meet the animal responsible for cutting this wonderfully mild winter short over a month ago, and the Gobbler's Knob crew (bad name) were nice enough to give me a weird Phil token for my troubles. All that said, the groundhog was limited to his weird hamster cage & Punxsatawney is closer to Philly than Pittsburgh. Big get nonetheless. moving on...

3. Rick Sebak

Sebak, who I didn't really know much about before I started a blogspot writing about Pittsburgh, has been working with WQED for probably forever making cool videos & documentaries about stuff he's found in the city of Pittsburgh. I actually first met him at a sparsely attended Pittsburgh Mills book signing (I bought a DVD about stuff that isn't here anymore), and ran into him again at the exemplary but pretentious new Strip District "restaurant incubator" that is Smallman Galley. Sebak is a legend I am no doubt underrating; and he even got bonus points for buying my lunch. Sebak is my homeboy:

2. Amadea Szamosi

I dunno if yinz have been paying attention, but the Duquesne Dukes womens' basketball team is tearing up the A-10 with a top 25 ranking and is no doubt March Madness bound. Well I figured out you could attend a Lady Dukes' game for about $5 & that they would have stupid promotions about lusting after their players around Valentine's Day. Throw in an awkward Uber promotion where my driver gives me a Valentine's card and a rose, and bingo bango, Duquesne University's most eligible Hungarian bachelorette has Davey Dormont's digits ;)


1. Mr. Mayor

I met Mayor Peduto at the Penguins-Rangers game earlier tonight, and he is every bit the Pittsburgh guy you want to see running our great city. Mr. Peduto has season tickets one row behind my dad, and he makes it out to about 7-10 games a year. Interestingly, our Mayor says he has been a season-ticket guy since the 70's when he would go with his dad. Pittsburgh Dad taught us that some diehard yinzers still think Hockey is a sport for Russians; personally I think it's refreshing to see a mayor who was a Pens fan before Super Mario came in and had the best overall impact any player has had on one franchise in the history of organized professional sports. But that's just one jag's opinion


I totally blinked in the picture with Amadea. She even offered to hold the phone/take the pic with her "super long arms" ;) ;)

PPS Szamosi is averaging 12 & 8 for a top 25 women's team, so I'm not just being superficial. My girl boxes out

Top 5 Coldplay songs of all time, in honor of SB50

Coldplay was an excellent choice for the momentous Super Bowl 50 halftime show. What are the best 5 Coldplay songs of all time?

5. Sky Full of Stars - no new shit? hey come on man. Chris Martin may be consciously uncoupled from the lovely Gwyneth Paltrow but he's still got the gift of making amazing pop music

4. Homecoming (ft Kanye West) - probably underrating this all-timer but tbh Chris Martin had relatively little to do with this one becoming a jam & should just thank his lucky stars that Kanye West is a secret Coldplay fan :)

3. Clocks - Coldplay burst onto the scene with this winner; it's a testament to how great they are that clocks isn't numba one. What a classic. wee-hee.. woo......

2. Paradise - one of the most upbeat songs i ever heard in my life. What an absolute show-stopping jam. Got to love the rising energy throughout

1. Viva La Vida - I used to rule the world etc etc. Of course everyone loves this song; it's one of the best songs of the young 2000's. Tell your friends

(Nationwide jingle) cheater Pats won't win again :)

Pittsburgh is so moral - Davey Dormont makes headline news on WPXI channel 11

What a friggin' jagoff this guy is :)

Yins stay safe out dere :)

Some of my favorite tweeters

Twitter is a national treasure. I've been a tweeter since ~2008

March 2, 2009 tweet that might as well have been a billion years ago. So what are the best tweeters today?

Tila Tequila

This gal has totally lost her mind and live-tweets every second of it. Quick sampling:

"If you truly loved me you'd tell me to stop tweeting because of my universal desires for apathetic souls of the indigenous people"

"That's why so many people are constipated because of the Cup-O-Noodle plastic buildup blocking your uranus passageway to the exit."

"When you eat RA-men noodles you are literally eating the soul of the god RA & some men! Condemning your worthless souls to eternal death!"

"Someone write this shit down! My tweets are the new age Bible. #TilaSaves"

All of these tweets are legitimately w/in the last hour. Tila Tequila is a tweeter legend!!

NFL France

One of my absolute favorites on twitter; these guys don't seem to even really like any specific NFL teams in particular but you gotta believe they love to react to the latest NFL gossip in pure français like I haven't seen since high school..

The most excited people in the world to buy 2016 Jacksonville Jaguars tickets are probably citizens of France..

Some more favorites to gawk at:

Caroline is my little sister's name 

Vontaze Burfict est scandaleux bien sur..

Yes, the 0 playoff-win Washington R*#skins copied the ~40 year old idea for terrible towels from 'burgh legend Myron Cope

lol

The guy who hates Ted Cruz

I just learned about this one yesterday... basically Ted Cruz's old roommate freshman yr of college HATED being Ted Cruz's roommate and isn't even being opportunistic complaining about it; apparently he's been tweeting Cruz jokes for ~4 years! incredible

There's nothing quite like the smell of cyber-bullying in the morning..

World Star HipHop Fans

Ya maybe endlessly pandering for RTs; this is still a key twitter follow if you wanna keep up with what the cool younger people are talking about. May be a little too obsessed with spongebob squarepants..

WPXI

Typically tweeting about local traffic and weather; the @WPXI twitter account is usually good for about ~5 absurd/funny tweets a week. WPXI anchor Katherine Amenta is probably my most famous twitter follower to date ;)

loren ipsum

Jane Pitt

I missed the prime of @JanePitt when she was still anonymous, but she's nonetheless an essential follow if you love the 'burgh as much as I do. Her investigative journalism on why people buy milk, bread, toilet paper when there's going to be a winter storm seems worth a topical read this morning:

http://www.pittsburghmagazine.com/Best-of-the-Burgh-Blogs/Pitt-Girl/November-2014/3-GottaHave-Items-When-Snow-Falls-in-Pittsburgh/

Steigy

Despite facebook's best efforts, I don't know how to properly embed this ELECTRIC meandering video on Pittsburgh sports/ Antwaan Randle El: https://www.facebook.com/frankmurgiajr/videos/10204076227904756/

Either way this guy is an endlessly entertaining curmudgeon and the closest thing we have to a moral compass in pittsburgh sports media

Dave DiCello

My admiration for Mr DiCello's work is well established; following him on twitter as a resident of Pittsburgh is a near-constant reminder that you live in the most beautiful city in the world. wow..

Kanye/Drake/LeBron

Low batting average for all 3 with a HUGE slugging percentage for all 3; if you're not following this trio on twitter you're not paying attention

Seinfeld2000

In twitter's heyday, some humorless jagoffs created @ModernSeinfeld, a boring twitter that would just say stuff like "Jerry goes on a date with a girl he met on Tinder. Kramer gets in an argument with his Uber driver. Elaine tries a Cronut". They had correctly come up with the idea that Seinfeld would still be a funny show in the 2010's; but they lacked the sense of humor to make that concept funny on twitter. Enter Seinfeld2000, an endlessly creative riff on the concept of Seinfeld being on TV in 2016. This guy has been consistently funny and constantly tweeting modern seinfeld jokes for probably five years; one of my current favs:

https://twitter.com/seinfeld2000/status/679724953290211328

H Jon Benjamin

As a famous (?) voice actor responsible for Coach McGuirk, Sterling Archer, and Bob Burgers; H Jon Benjamin cares about probably a hundred things more than his twitter account. He probably tweets once every 3 months, but he's batting 1.000 on the original tweets he does compose. I've probably retweeted over half of the 620 tweets he's composed in the last 5 years

Duquesne Women's Basketball

As a citizen of the 'burgh, while I do support the University of Pittsburgh and their athletics programs, I am a Duquesne Dukes man at heart. @DuqWBB stole my heart with the above pic celebrating their recent top 25 ranking in the world of NCAA Women's college bball. The blonde in the top right of the main pic having her eyes closed is gently hilarious :)

Cantankerous Old Woman

I don't remember which trolly tweet tipped me off to the magic of Cantankerousoldwoman (@cantankerousol1); but this is an absolute must-follow amidst an election season. I wonder which republican candidate she's referring to when she retweeted the above meme..

Urban Meyer

Constantly tweeting out useful info-graphics about how my alma mater is a wonderful place to be. Is the SEC irrelevant in the college football landscape in 2016? I'm just asking questions..

Famous Crab

"Weird Twitter" peaked like 5 years ago but some of the greats are still churning out weird content much to my heart's content. If you liked the above tweeter please also consider dril, dinkmagic, tree_bro for your weird twitter starter pack. RIP Tree_bro :(

Epcot

I don't know who this girl is (and it's almost certainly a girl) but this is one of the funniest twitters going; a psuedo-informational account of what's going on in the world of Disney's EPCOT amusement park. Absolute must-follow if your primary objective in life is to read quick funny jokes while you wait for the elevator

Countless others

I could spend all day writing about twitter greats but I am already ~20 minutes late for when I should typically leave for work. yins have a good one n'at

Ranking the 6 Billboard No 1 songs from the great Hall & Oates

6 Out of touch

This is the band's "out of the woods" moment, and I will never understand why people like songs that are lyrically the same thought over and over and over and over again

"You're out of touch

I'm out of time

But I'm out of my head when you're not around"

5 Kiss on my List

Endlessly catchy, classic '80s jam. Give it a listen, why dontcha?

4 Private Eyes

Unforgettable guitar riffs from John Oates in this classic, and you gotta love a song with a well placed 'clap clap' refrain. This jam tops out at 4 because the lyrics are kinda paranoid but you could do a lot worse on a spotify playlist!

3 I Can't Go For That (No Can Do)

I've always wondered what it is that bands like Hall & Oates or Meatloaf are talking about when they say they won't do some thing in a relationship with a lady. Is it a wholesome thing like 'I don't want a casual relationship where we're free to see other people' or is it something more outdated like an aversion to oral? I don't know or care really; all i know is this chart-topping number one hit jam inspired an excellent t-shirt i just got in the mail yesterday:

2 Maneater

All-time Hall & Oates heater; you've got to love Maneater, I don't care who you are. Another hall-of-fame worthy guitar riff from the legendary John Oates leads off this classic song about ladies who can really rip your world apart. Some classic lines:

"The woman is wild, a she-cat tamed by the purr of a Jaguar"

"Ooh, the beauty is there but a beast is in the heart"

"(Oh-oh, here she comes) Here she comes, Watch out boy she'll chew you up 

(Whoa-oh, here she comes. Watch out) She's a maneater"

"Money's the matter

If you're in it for love, you ain't gonna get too far"

1 Rich Girl

One of my personal favorites. We can get along if you try to be strong, but you'll never be strong. There's probably never been a better a-ha moment in pop music history than when Daryl Hall and John Oates realized "rich girl" rhymed with "it's a bitch, girl". I really hope both Hall & Oates found love; it seems like a large portion of this list is directly related to lady troubles. 

How did these classic H&O jams never make Billboard #1?

Sara Smile

Peak: #4

She's gone

Peak: #7

You Make My Dreams

Peak: #5

1981's Private Eyes release

Not a single & not a non-number one, the wikipedia for this is still pretty interesting:

"The title track and "I Can't Go for That (No Can Do)" were nearly consecutive Number 1 hits, separated only by the ten-week stay at Number 1 by the monster hit "Physical" by Olivia Newton-John. "I Can't Go for That (No Can Do)" was one of the few songs ever recorded by a white act to reach Number One on both the R&B and the pop charts. "Did It in a Minute" reached Number 9 in the spring of 1982, and "Your Imagination" peaked at No. 33. This album is now considered among the duo's best albums, mixing soul, new wave and power pop."

I just learned about Olivia Newton-John two days ago. 1980's pop is a small world after all..

Family Man

Peak: #6. Song is so 80's...

One on One

Peak: #7

""One On One," with its clever mixed-metaphorical references to romance and basketball, was used in NBA commercials of the period.[14] The commercial featured numerous players, including Hall of Famer James Worthy performing a 360-degree slow-motion lay-up during the saxophone solo."

LOL, this 1987 commercial for the NBA is FANtastic!!

Say it isn't so 

Peak: #2

"The first single released from this album "Say It Isn't So" battled six weeks for the Number 1 spot with Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson's "Say Say Say" at the peak of Thrillermania. "Say It Isn't So" remained at Number 2 for an impressive four weeks from December 1983 to January 1984. The battle with the McCartney/Jackson single led disc jockey Peter Bush of New York's WPLJ Radio, which had just switched from rock to Top 40 the previous June, to intro the Hall & Oates entry "Say, Say, Say It Isn't, Isn't, Isn't So, So, So"."

Cruel world..

Adult Education

Peak #8

Oates to VH1 "video resembles the TV show 'Survivor' on acid"

Method of Modern Love

Peak #5

Possession Obsession

Peak #30 - finally, an Oates song. John Oates remains criminally underrated...

Fall in Philadelphia

Peak: Unknown, this one's kind of a H&O deep track. Just a personal Davey D fave, I can think of few things worse than having to spend an entire fall living in Philadelphia, PA. Happy that Daryl Hall & John Oates were able to escape :)

Rebuttal to the rebuttal to the definitive top 5 Taylor Swift songs

Presented without comment, the lyrics to PatsFan4Garroppollo's number 2 overall Taylor Swift song, Out Of The Woods:

"Out Of The Woods

Taylor Swift

Buy for $1.29

Lyrics

Looking at it now, it all seems so simple
We were lying on your couch, I remember
You took a Polaroid of us
Then discovered (then discovered)
The rest of the world was black and white
But we were in screaming color
And I remember thinking

Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods?
Are we in the clear yet?
Are we in the clear yet?
Are we in the clear yet?
In the clear yet, good.
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods?
Are we in the clear yet?
Are we in the clear yet?
Are we in the clear yet?
In the clear yet, good.
Are we out of the woods?

Looking at it now, last December
We were built to fall apart, then fall back together
Your necklace hanging from my neck,
The night we couldn't quite forget
When we decided (We decided)
To move the furniture so we could dance
Baby, like we stood a chance
Two paper airplanes flying, flying, flying
And I remember thinking

Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods?
Are we in the clear yet?
Are we in the clear yet?
Are we in the clear yet?
In the clear yet, good
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods?
Are we in the clear yet?
Are we in the clear yet?
Are we in the clear yet?
In the clear yet, good

Are we out of the woods?

Remember when you hit the brakes too soon
Twenty stitches in a hospital room
When you started crying
Baby, I did too
But when the sun came up
I was looking at you
Remember when we couldn't take the heat
I walked out, I said, I'm setting you free
But the monsters turned out to be just trees
When the sun came up
You were looking at me

You were looking at me
Oh!
You were looking at me.
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods? (I remember)
Are we in the clear yet?
Are we in the clear yet?
Are we in the clear yet?
Are we in the clear yet? (Oh, I remember)

Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods?
Are we in the clear yet?
Are we in the clear yet?
Are we in the clear yet?
In the clear yet, good
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods?
Are we in the clear yet?
Are we in the clear yet?
Are we in the clear yet?
In the clear yet, good
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods?
Are we in the clear yet?
Are we in the clear yet?
Are we in the clear yet?
In the clear yet, good
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods?
Are we in the clear yet?
Are we in the clear yet?
Are we in the clear yet?
In the clear yet, good"

Ok maybe one comment, this song SUCKS! lol

Let's count how many times Taylor says "Are we out of the woods yet?" and "Are we in the clear yet?" and see if we can't invent a Roxanne-style drinking game around this dud of a song

Are We Out Of The Woods Yet?: 38 times

Are We In The Clear Yet?: 36 times

I've never even considered the other lyrics in this song that I've almost certainly heard double-digit times because at any given time you are listening to this song you are wildly likely to hear Taylor Swift singing "Are We Out of the Woods Yet?" or "Are We In The Clear Yet?". Let's break it down by percentages:

Total word count, lyrics to "Out of the Woods?": 650 words

Total word count, the words "Are We Out of the Woods Yet": 7 x 38 = 266

Total word count, the words "Are We In the Clear Yet?": 6 x 36 = 216

Total word count, Taylor Swift asking the above questions in the song: 266 + 216 = 482

Percentage of "Out of the Woods" lyrics that are Taylor asking if we're out of the woods or in the clear yet: 482 / 650 = 74.15%

Are the bigwigs at Big Machine Records paying Taylor by the word?

The kids bop version of this song should just be 20 children singing "Are we there yet Are we there yet Are we there yet GOOD" over and over for 3 1/2 minutes


PS legit really enjoyed "Ronan", thank u for the tip :)

Guest post - PatsFan4Garroppollo writes a lengthy rebuttal to my definitive Taylor Swift top 5; with one crucially fatal flaw. Read more...

Best of Taylor Swift songs: A rebuttal to Davey Dormont

By: PatsFan4Garrappollo

Taylor Swift has evolved greatly since she released her self-titled first album in 2006 (damn, ten years ago) so the best way to rank her songs is by category.  All six readers of DTEB probably don’t care about my opinions, so I’ll keep my rationale for the rankings as short as possible.

Here are the categories:

Movie Song

Song Featuring Taylor

Empowering Song

“Edgy” Taylor

Country Taylor

Deep Tracks

Pre-Break Up

Post-Break Up

Mainstream Hits

Video

Miscellaneous

Best Song

Best song featured in a movie: Today Was a Fairytale

Gonna be honest, there aren’t too many songs to choose from in this category so this one basically wins by default.  Also, the cover by YouTube Legend AHMIR is fire-flames hot. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWolN7Ga8nY

Honorable Mention: Crazier

Best song featuring Taylor: Both of Us (B.o.B.)

Similar to the last category, there aren’t a ton of songs to choose from but this song is actually pretty solid so it gets the nod over a few other pretty good choices.

Honorable Mention: Highway Don’t Care (Tim McGraw)

Best Empowering Song: Long Live

Didn’t really know how to title this category but there are quite a few Swifty tracks about growing up and being strong.  Long Live takes the cake here simply because of the line:

Singing long live all the mountains we moved
I had the time of my life
Fighting dragons with you

Taylor truly is a wordsmith.

Honorable Mention: Fearless

Best “Edgy” Song: 22

22 is probably the least edgy of all of the songs of the arbitrarily chosen nominees but it is definitely the best of the bunch.  It could probably be considered for the Empowering Songs list but the idea of Taylor Swift going out and “falling in love with strangers” seems edgy enough for me.

Honorable Mention: Bad Blood

Best Country Taylor Song: Tim McGraw

This was maybe the closest race of all the awards, but the line “ he said the way my blue eyes shined put those Georgia stars to shame that night I said ‘That’s a lie’” puts it over the top.  Here’s to hoping Taylor releases another country album down the line at some point in her career….

Honorable Mention: tie – Teardrops on my Guitar/ Our Song

Best Deep Track: The Moment I Knew

Taylor often releases ~2-4 special edition tracks with each of her albums and, while it may not be the actual best song of the bunch, The Moment I Knew hits the hardest.  It’s so dramatic that if you didn’t speak English you might think it’s about 100 babies getting cancer.  Come Back.. Be Here is definitely a better song, but writing a whole track about someone missing your birthday party is so damn preposterous that you have to respect it.

Honorable Mention: Come Back.. Be Here

Best Pre-Break Up Song: Enchanted

IMO the most underrated Taylor song. A+ in every way.

Honorable Mention: Begin Again (extra points for a spicy video)

Best Post-Break Up Song: All Too Well

The list of songs to choose from in this category is by far the biggest, but this was also to me by far the easiest choice of any of the categories.  Not popular in the mainstream, but any real diehard Taylor fan (unlike David P. Dormont) would agree this is without a doubt the best written song by Ms. Swift.  So many great lines to choose from, but my personal favorite from the song is:

Hey, you call me up again just to break me like a promise.
So casually cruel in the name of being honest.
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all, all, all… too well.

Gut wrenching stuff, Taylor. A+++++++++++

Honorable Mention: Cold As You – I’m a sucker for the one-liners and “I’ve never been anywhere cold as you” might be Taylor Swift’s best.

Best Mainstream Hit: We Are Never Getting Back Together

I’m a bit of a Taylor Swift hipster, so I tend to not be as big of a fan as the mainstream singles.  With that in mind I’m aware that this isn’t a popular choice among casual listeners (ie David P. Dormont), but for me it’s the catchiest one.  Having seen Taylor live several times, I would argue this is her best live song.  Also, you can’t undervalue the phone call part of the song.  So sassy, so Taylor. Ughhhh so he called me up again and was like ‘I Still Love You.’

Best Music Video: Wildest Dreams

Taylor Swift’s videos are her biggest weakness in her career.  Most of them are either too cheesy (ie Blank Space) or too abstract (ie Style), and I’m a fan of plot in music videos so this is why Wildest Dreams tops my list.

Honorable Mention: Our Song (fire emoji)

Honorable Mention pt 2: You Belong With Me – just because of Kanye

Best Miscellaneous Song: Ronan

I’d be remiss not to mention Ronan.  If your eyes don’t get a little cloudy watching this video I’m 99% sure you don’t have a soul.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvN7BOAQn9I

Honorable Mention: Bette Davis Eyes cover

Best Song (Top 5):

5. Begin Again

4. Style

3. Enchanted

2. Out of the Woods

1. All Too Well

Fight me.

P.S. GO PATS GO (After Brady and Bill step down. What this franchise really needs is a blank slate of sorts.)

Some of my best - a look back at the first 99 posts in Downtown email brown history

Everybody loves a clips episode..

Some of my favorite posts:

Number 1 Food City

Downtown Pittsburgh lunch rankings

Lydiah's is my favorite

Pillars of the Strip District

All basically just writing about food in the best food city in the world (per ZAGAT). Strip District is probably my favorite of the three; it's practically a crown jewel for the city of champions

Pittsburgh is awesome

Coach Cowher retires - a retrospective

Best Bridges in the City

Reading the Morning Paper

#FollowFriday - Dave DiCello

At its heart this website's soul is based on the fact that Pittsburgh is a remarkable place to live and we are all lucky to be here. These are a few of my favorite posts admiring the Burgh for what it is - the most liveable city in the whole world. Particularly enjoyed reading the paper as it allowed me to jump around all over the place and keep my dumb millennial brain entertained

Outsourcing for #content

Introducing Dahntahn Abbie

99% of the first 100 posts in downtown email brown history were written by me. I'm a dreadfully bad writer, so I hope I can move that percentage closer to zero the second hundred around :)

Conspiracy Theory/Consumer Watchdog

Are local meteorologists lying to us?

Should we be worried about the stewardship of local institution Heinz Ketchup?

Donald Trump Paid Steve Harvey to Botch Miss America Job

The Neil Walker trade is both a good baseball move and something I don't like

I'm just asking questions. Weather one was particularly fun b/c I got to learn all about great Pittsburgher Joe DeNardo

Joke Budget

Should I bet super genius Mark Madden $1000 that the Pirates will make the playoffs in 2016?

Donating $10 to the real life Human Fund that seriously goes towards helping Cleveland youths get into the arts

Joining the Pittsburgh Cultural Trust

I'm going to wear a Neil Walker Mets shirt to every Pirates game I attend in 2016

Got to dispose of disposable income somewhere..

Book Reports

Every Steelers regular season ends the same way

It's fun to come up with new ways to misspell Cincicnnatti

Rewatching a classic Seinfeld episode

Pittsburgh Part 1 Part 2

Book Reports are fun to write, actually. I need to put as much effort into the follow-up Pittsburgh book reports as I did for stupid Cincinnaty

Making fun of Cleveland, OH

Article review: "Yes, I Moved to Cleveland and You Should Too" By Dana Norris

Iconic Cleveland skyline - the smokestack that belches fire

Is this joke about Cleveland, OH too mean?

Many more where that came from :) It is every Pittsburgher's birth right to make jokes about how miserable Cleveland Ohio must be

When am I gonna settle down and find a nice lady 

Original

Would have married if i was from the past

Degrassi characters

Inspired by a commitment-phobic co-worker who dared me to get married by Valentine's Day 2016. And why not, it's not like I'm getting any younger...

Miscellaneous click-bait style junk articles

Power ranking attractiveness of the cast of 'Hot in Cleveland'

AFC North teams as presidential candidates

Ranking the 4 major sports in order of whiteness

Steelers = Jeb Bush turned out to be more accurate than I hoped :/

And finally, the most successful clickbait article in the history of downtown email brown, so far:

The Definitive Top 5 Taylor Swift songs of all time

In case you missed it, here's the list:

5. Back to December

4. You Belong With Me

3. Style

2. I knew you were trouble when you walked in

1. Whee-ee are never ever ever getting back together

I feel like I need to educate the world on Out of the Woods; a song with lyrics that are either "Are We Out of the woods yet" or "are we in the clear yet" SEVENTY FIVE percent of the time. Taylor Swift songs can be so much better than that...

Thanks for reading

P-G: 'Arctic blast forces delay of school for dozens of Pittsburgh-area districts'

Sometimes I like to read the local paper to pretend I'm a functioning adult. Today's Pittsburgh Post-Gazette features a particularly alarmist headline relating to local schools being delayed this morning. Feels like a good a time as any to talk about something near & dear to my heart...

Hampton School District was truly a great school district to belong to, and endlessly an influence on my adult life. That said, has anything in the history of the world been stingier about anything in the history of the world than Hampton School District to 2 hour delays/snow days? I could swear the only time we ever got a snow day in my ~9 years in the Hampton School system was 2 days in December 2001 when the power went out and made the middle school uninhabitably cold. What are they putting in the water at McCully Drive that makes school leadership so hesitant to issue beloved delays/snow days? I'm just asking questions...

NA Sux :P

Women I would marry on the spot; Degrassi edition

'til Death do us part

Mia - she's no oatmeal. More like a homemade meatball sub with cheese & extra spicy sauce. Mia is a single mother who's kid I'd raise like it was my own in a second. First ballot HOF degrassi babe

JT literally died for mistakenly choosing Liberty Van Zandt over u ;)

Paige Michalchuk

The original all-star of Degrassi TNG; Paige is a high-maintenance girl who is worth the trouble. Famously (in my mind) played a spoof Degrassi character called Colette in the hilarious Kroll Show Degrassi spoof 'Wheels Ontario'

Sex helps populate the vast nation of Canada ;)

Emma Nelson

Degrassi high's moral compass can get it ;) Emma Nelson is the offspring of original Degrassi elite; endlessly moral and the kind of girl you can take home to momma. We should all be so lucky as to vow our unending devotion to the Emma Nelson in our lives ;)

Ellie Nash

Degrassi's resident bad girl, Ellie Nash is the kind of crazy you'd like to stick a wedding ring onto. She might have been into self-harm while going thru her adolescent awkward phase, but I have a feeling she develops into a well-respected news anchor under Caitlin Ryan's tutelage ;)

Manny Santos 

One of the show's most awkward transformations from tween to hot, there's no doubt Manny figures out if she has it she should flaunt it in adulthood. Absolutely the kind of girl that could ruin ur life, but it's still kinda worth it ;)

Backwoods Bhandari

I was at a bar for the last Steelers game, and the conversation clichely took a turn towards what number of sexual partners would a woman have to have had in her past for you to no longer be interested in her. My new friend Tom said 40; I think the real answer's more like 500, something so astronomical that you'd feel like her only goal in life was to run up the score. It's 2015, being a 'slut' is acceptable and you could do worse than to make sweet interracial babies with a gal like backwoods Bhandari ;)

Darcy

Ya she's kinda white trash but damn if she doesn't make the list of Degrassi co-ed's I'd like to walk down the aisle with ;)

Caitlin Ryan 

You could do worse than Canada's most respected journalist. Stacy Mistysyn is pretty likely who I was thinking of when I started writing about Amanda Stepto/Spike. Start spreading the news, she's Stacy Mystysyn-Dormont now ;)

Spike

One of the greats. Degrassi was an international sensation and Spike is the reason for the season ;)

Robin Scherbatsky

Never appeared on Degrassi but doesn't it sort of count that she had a fictional music video inspired by a Degrassi-esque canadian backstory?

I'd change my name to Davey Sparkles for u ;) U can rock my body 'til Canada Day....

Objectively bad/unwed-able women of Degrassi: The Next Generation

Liberty Van Zandt - JT said it best - obsessing over her would be like obsessing over lint, or oatmeal. Endlessly annoying & mean, LVZ is a classic Degrassi character who can't have my hand in marriage ;)

Ashley Kerwin

Could have been one of the greats. Ash loses her way the moment she decides to abuse the drug A-B-C-D-E (ecstasy) at a party and turns into Degrassi's resident goth/jagoff. Tried to write off Drake's rapping abilities in her first and last collaboration with a musical genius...

Sydney, the girl who dates Joey Jeremiah on Degrassi TNG

U mad? Joey J deserves better than this... where have u gone Caitlin Ryan ;)

Honorable Mentions - dateable but probably not wifey material

Haze - reading the tea leaves a little bit here but I'm guessing She's Just Not That Into Me..

Alex - she's got the heat on her fastball but damn if I didn't remember her character one bit. Any good Degrassi fan knows that when the Montreal crew is in town, you've got trouble on your hands...

Principal Hatzilakos - total babe but her kid's a teenaged pervert. I don't want to deal with fixing that piece of work...

Holly Sinclair - no offense but new characters after season ~6 don't really count, ya know?

Jane Vaughn - I take it back, sometimes characters from after season six of Degrassi the Next Generation are girls I actually could see myself spending the rest of my life with ;)

Later season's Liberty Van Zandt - straight close but no straight cigar ;)

Leia Chang - no disrespect but I grew up before u were ever a main character on Degrassi the next generation. You seem nice tho ;)

Clare Edwards - textbook 'good' weird but she's also feminist enough that she'd undoubtedly find me problematic.. Let's get a dialogue going baby girl ;)

Whatever it takes, I know I can make it through..