After a particularly trying holiday season in which I was asked to consider the idea of settling down with a nice lady and giving my parents some grandchildren; I've instead decided to think about pie-in-the-sky hypotheticals where I marry a celebrity I'm partial to. Let's go to the list:
Marion Cotillard-Dormont
I don't know what it is about Paris, but across the board girls seem to love everything France. I've known this since middle school when I correctly picked French as my language class, and there's quite possibly no better froggy out there than Mlle Cotillard. Je voudrais spend the rest of my life avec u ;)
Penelope Cruz-Dormont
Ya she's probably like 40 and already married to the much better looking guy than me in Javier Bardem; w/e, don't care, that accent is something I'd like to partner with 'til death do us part. U can see her make out w/ ScarJo in Vicky Cristina Barcelona, just sayin ;)
This youtube is titled "Lust in the darkroom", lol
Giada di Laurentiis-di Dormont
I have decided to spend the winter of 2016 learning to be a better cook. Last night that meant making a baked potato (ok) and a twice baked potato (disaster). But if your boy Davey D puts a ring on di Laurentiis, all that cooking nonsense goes out the window! And talk about a million dollar smile ;)
Stunningly beautiful..
Taylor Swift-Dormont
Ya she's probably a huge pain in the ass prone to drama; ya she's probably a hopeless romantic who will never find a nice guy to settle down with. Cut to the chase, if I'm married to Taylor Swift I'm 50% RICH and living in a dope penthouse condo in NYC's trendy TriBeCa neighborhood. Tribeca stands for 'Triangle Below Canal (street)" ;)
Christina Aguilera-Dormont
Why not marry a local legend? Cranberry's very own Ms Aguilera stole my heart with "genie in a bottle" approximately 200 years ago and while I can't be certain; she's probably still got a little bit left on her fastball? ;)
Kelly from Star 100.7 FM Dormont
Another (presumably) local girl and the only person on this list who actually follows me on twitter; Kelly stole my heart about a month ago with this stirring rendition of 'yins better watch aht'. I am doomed to marry Polish ;) https://twitter.com/YaJagoff/status/678222514389131265
Bjork Dormont
Probably the most insane person on this list, but aren't we all a little crazy? No, at least not on the scale of Bjork, but wouldn't it be amusing to live the rest of my life trying to figure out what this weird scandinavian chick was talking about? I could watch this video of her talking about how she loves her TV in sickness and in health ;)
Ariana Grande-Dormont
Easily the hottest girl on the list and probably on planet Earth right now; Grande is also for sure the most annoying woman I would get betrothed with on the spot. As if anyone, in her life, has ever told her to shut up/that something she said was dumb? That said if you can lock down Grande in her prime your offspring promises to be some of the most beautiful kids going; I don't care who you are. I do think it's kind of weird that the Disney channel has become a farm system for cranking out hot female pop stars. Ariana's smash hit single "Love me harder" is extremely transparent innuendo ;)
The Weeknd: "So what do i do if I can't figure it out?"
Ariana Dormont: "You've got to try try try again"
TW: "Oh what.. so what do I do if I can't figure it out?"
AD: "I'm gonna leave, leave, leave"
(maybe Jim was right about the weeknd all along... not that there's anything wrong w/ that)
Katy Perry-Dormont
Yes I realize this list is devolving into a list of women singers in popular culture; excuse me for wanting to feel inspired every day by the lady who understands what it means to sometimes feel like a plastic bag. California girls, they're irresistable ;)
Sally Wiggin-Dormont
Irony of ironies that Pittsburgh's legendary newscaster Sally Wiggin is actually a graduate of scUM & native of Kalamazoo. I think gun to my head I set aside college football allegiances and jump at the chance to get hitched with the city of Pittsburgh's journalistic moral compass. You know who she is ;)
Lightning Round - Dormont
I can feel my brain starting to get pretty redundant so let's rifle thru some of the honorable mentions:
Charlotte Gainsbourg-Dormont - another French girl (I like to call them alouettes) who's a lil more obscure than Oscar winning actress Marion Cotillard; I'm scared to see her starring role in "Nymphomaniac" because it could ruin the whole illusion ;)
St. Vincent-Dormont (aka Annie Clark-Dormont) - Weird but not as weird as Bjork, St Vincent followed in Ariana Grande's footsteps and flew too close to the hot girl sun (they both dyed their hair white). Annie Clark would no doubt find me endlessly boring ;)
Chloe Sevigny-Dormont - YET ANOTHER Frenchie; Sevigny stole my heart when she spent an entire season on Portlandia playing a manic pixie dreamgirl roommate to Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein. Beautiful AND funnier than me? ;)
Julia Louis-Dreyfuss-Dormont - so much funnier than me; is it possible Elaine is even better looking in 2016 than she was in the early '90's? She was born w/ a silver spoon too ;)
Alicia Vikander-Dormont - look it up; she plays an insanely hot robot in 2015's Ex Machina... and how ;)
Kate Mara-Dormont - not only is she the babe from the once excellent House of Cards; Mara-Dormont is also the niece of both the owners of the NYGiants AND Art Rooney II! I have always dreamed of leaning into owning a professional sports team on account of nepotism, only to have a public offering in the ownership stake so that yinzers will build a statue of me. Hit me up Kate ;)
To be continued maybe ;)
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