Partial list of women I've never met who I would marry on the spot

After a particularly trying holiday season in which I was asked to consider the idea of settling down with a nice lady and giving my parents some grandchildren; I've instead decided to think about pie-in-the-sky hypotheticals where I marry a celebrity I'm partial to. Let's go to the list:

Marion Cotillard-Dormont

I don't know what it is about Paris, but across the board girls seem to love everything France. I've known this since middle school when I correctly picked French as my language class, and there's quite possibly no better froggy out there than Mlle Cotillard. Je voudrais spend the rest of my life avec u ;)

Penelope Cruz-Dormont

Ya she's probably like 40 and already married to the much better looking guy than me in Javier Bardem; w/e, don't care, that accent is something I'd like to partner with 'til death do us part. U can see her make out w/ ScarJo in Vicky Cristina Barcelona, just sayin ;)

This youtube is titled "Lust in the darkroom", lol

Giada di Laurentiis-di Dormont

I have decided to spend the winter of 2016 learning to be a better cook. Last night that meant making a baked potato (ok) and a twice baked potato (disaster). But if your boy Davey D puts a ring on di Laurentiis, all that cooking nonsense goes out the window! And talk about a million dollar smile ;)

Stunningly beautiful..

Taylor Swift-Dormont

Ya she's probably a huge pain in the ass prone to drama; ya she's probably a hopeless romantic who will never find a nice guy to settle down with. Cut to the chase, if I'm married to Taylor Swift I'm 50% RICH and living in a dope penthouse condo in NYC's trendy TriBeCa neighborhood. Tribeca stands for 'Triangle Below Canal (street)" ;)

Christina Aguilera-Dormont

Why not marry a local legend? Cranberry's very own Ms Aguilera stole my heart with "genie in a bottle" approximately 200 years ago and while I can't be certain; she's probably still got a little bit left on her fastball? ;)

Kelly from Star 100.7 FM Dormont

Another (presumably) local girl and the only person on this list who actually follows me on twitter; Kelly stole my heart about a month ago with this stirring rendition of 'yins better watch aht'. I am doomed to marry Polish ;) https://twitter.com/YaJagoff/status/678222514389131265

Bjork Dormont

Probably the most insane person on this list, but aren't we all a little crazy? No, at least not on the scale of Bjork, but wouldn't it be amusing to live the rest of my life trying to figure out what this weird scandinavian chick was talking about? I could watch this video of her talking about how she loves her TV in sickness and in health ;)

Ariana Grande-Dormont

Easily the hottest girl on the list and probably on planet Earth right now; Grande is also for sure the most annoying woman I would get betrothed with on the spot. As if anyone, in her life, has ever told her to shut up/that something she said was dumb? That said if you can lock down Grande in her prime your offspring promises to be some of the most beautiful kids going; I don't care who you are. I do think it's kind of weird that the Disney channel has become a farm system for cranking out hot female pop stars. Ariana's smash hit single "Love me harder" is extremely transparent innuendo ;)

The Weeknd: "So what do i do if I can't figure it out?" 

Ariana Dormont: "You've got to try try try again" 

TW: "Oh what.. so what do I do if I can't figure it out?" 

AD: "I'm gonna leave, leave, leave" 
(maybe Jim was right about the weeknd all along... not that there's anything wrong w/ that)

Katy Perry-Dormont

Yes I realize this list is devolving into a list of women singers in popular culture; excuse me for wanting to feel inspired every day by the lady who understands what it means to sometimes feel like a plastic bag. California girls, they're irresistable ;)

Sally Wiggin-Dormont

Irony of ironies that Pittsburgh's legendary newscaster Sally Wiggin is actually a graduate of scUM & native of Kalamazoo. I think gun to my head I set aside college football allegiances and jump at the chance to get hitched with the city of Pittsburgh's journalistic moral compass. You know who she is ;)

Lightning Round - Dormont

I can feel my brain starting to get pretty redundant so let's rifle thru some of the honorable mentions:

Charlotte Gainsbourg-Dormont - another French girl (I like to call them alouettes) who's a lil more obscure than Oscar winning actress Marion Cotillard; I'm scared to see her starring role in "Nymphomaniac" because it could ruin the whole illusion ;)

St. Vincent-Dormont (aka Annie Clark-Dormont) - Weird but not as weird as Bjork, St Vincent followed in Ariana Grande's footsteps and flew too close to the hot girl sun (they both dyed their hair white). Annie Clark would no doubt find me endlessly boring ;)

Chloe Sevigny-Dormont - YET ANOTHER Frenchie; Sevigny stole my heart when she spent an entire season on Portlandia playing a manic pixie dreamgirl roommate to Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein. Beautiful AND funnier than me? ;)

Julia Louis-Dreyfuss-Dormont - so much funnier than me; is it possible Elaine is even better looking in 2016 than she was in the early '90's? She was born w/ a silver spoon too ;)

Alicia Vikander-Dormont - look it up; she plays an insanely hot robot in 2015's Ex Machina... and how ;)

Kate Mara-Dormont - not only is she the babe from the once excellent House of Cards; Mara-Dormont is also the niece of both the owners of the NYGiants AND Art Rooney II! I have always dreamed of leaning into owning a professional sports team on account of nepotism, only to have a public offering in the ownership stake so that yinzers will build a statue of me. Hit me up Kate ;)

To be continued maybe ;)

Is anyone in the world cuter than my niece Aja?

She's a little sweet potato


Who's a good girl? Yes you are..

Trying to win the $1.5bn powerball tonight by leveraging Steelers magic

Anyone who works in a typical office knows that there's no more compelling topic of conversation than tonight's impending $1.5bn Powerball lottery drawing. I already belong to a floor-wide pool where we play every single Powerball drawing for a $1 a week, but with 6 months of information I can tell that that's never going to pay off. This is me trying to leverage Steeler magic into an unfathomable windfall:

16 and 18

These numbers were chosen because they were the final scores for the home Cincinnati Bengals and the visiting Pittsburgh Steelers in last weekend's AFC wildcard game, respectively

24 and 55

IIRC, these are the jersey numbers of Cinncinnatti defensive back Adam 'Pacman' Jones and Bengals undrafted character issues LB Vontaze Burfict. Two men whom without their hotheaded actions last Saturday, the Steelers could not have advanced in the playoffs. Postgame instagram Pacman, you look like you've just seen a ghost!

50

The super bowl (this year's) that I sincerely hope the Pittsburgh Steelers win. Stairway to seven baby..

Bonus Powerball Number: 07

I can't decide if this was chosen for Ben or for the record-breaking number of Super Bowl victories the Pittsburgh Steelers will have captured following the 2015-16 NFL season. Either way, when you can choose from 00-26 for your lucky number, you could do worse than '07 in about 26 different ways..

What would I do if I won the $1.5bn jackpot

If I win with coworkers = give all my immediate family $1mm each to do whatever they want; demand 100% pay increase to be one of the only people on my floor to not up and quit

If I win with magic Steelers numbers = give my immediate family $1mm each to do whatever they want; get in touch with Mario Lemieux/Ron Burkle about their interest in selling the Pens. If I can buy majority stake in the Pens, initiate public stock sale in the Pens for citizens of the PGH metro area. Get my lawyer friend to help me write up a Pens constitution that ensures their endless NHL profits directly benefit the city in hopes that someone will build a statue of me. What a great guy i am :)

Beat the Bronco's; they're just Yonco's

A case for firing Marvin Lewis

One of the key personality traits of the Cincinnati Bengals is taking a chance on "problem" players. No modern day NFL team loves character issues more than the Cincy Bungles. The team has also arguably never been better than the regular season dynasty 2009-16 established under Marvin Lewis, so why would you ever change coaches?

Let's imagine Vontaze Burfict is a good guy who likes playing football and has also largely been ignored by his coaches despite "character issues." It's not so hard to imagine Burfict as a talented immature guy who doesn't realize his style of play is probably going to permanently injure an opponent some day. If you're going to be 2nd longest tenured coach & in charge of the NFL's character issues island, don't you have to have a better handle on your most talented and most stupid guys??

Vontaze Burfict is not really a "good guy". He has a history of getting fined for blatantly trying to injure opposing teams' best players whenever he gets close. He is a textbook jagoff. He's also an undrafted free agent signee of the Cincinnati Bengals. In his four+ years as a pro, he has been named a team captain, awarded a 4 year extension, and fined well over a hundred thousand dollars for various clear-cut cases of cheating. That extension promises that he will be financially stable for the rest of his life (so there's no need to cheat). He will almost certainly be suspended 4+ games in 2016 for various infractions during his team's 5th straight wildcard loss.

Burfict, in the above GIF, follows a dangerous helmet-to-helmet tackle of a defenseless Antonio Brown with an attempt to console/apologize. Brown had no chance of catching the overthrown pass attempt; and Burfict decided to launch into Brown, NFL Blitz style, after the overthrown ball had already passed. Burfict seems remorseful after the fact, but as the grey haired Steelers assistant wordlessly points out, get the fuck out of here dude.

Vontaze Burfict does not get to be a compassionate human being after spending his entire 4 year career out to injure the opposing teams' best players as a singular mission statement. I don't care how much you want to win, you're taking it too far for all the reasons everyone else has pointed out since the conclusion of Saturday's game. A 4-game suspension has never been more of a slap on the wrist for an NFL player since Tom Brady cheated in the 2014 AFC Championship game.

If you're going to build your success by being the NFL's island for misfit players, you have to be held accountable when the actions of your 4th year, high pedigree undrafted free agent star middle linebacker nearly leads to serious injury of a defenseless receiver. Bengal fans will want Lewis fired because lack of discipline cost the team their first playoff win in a quarter century; quit being selfish for a second. An NFL team in Kentucky was never supposed to win anything, but Bengal fans should be mad at how bad Cincinnati looks following Saturday night's loss. Never has a sacrificial lamb firing been more necessary.

I have long thought the reason the Cleveland Browns will never be successful is an almost childlike insistence on being good THIS YEAR. Nothing is good enough for Cleveland Browns management; and their refusal to put in long-term hard work is rewarded year after year with aimless losing seasons. You can't achieve sustainable success in pro football without some semblance of stability. This is a simple lesson I hope the Cleveland Browns never figure out, because it's hilarious to go into every Steeler season 2-0.

Marvin Lewis, man of 0 playoff wins, is shockingly the 2nd longest tenured head coach in the league (after the conniving Bill Belichick). Truly the Bengals' willingness to stick with him is the reason for their continued success. But given the following:

•  4th year defensive captain Vontaze Burfict has not shown any restraint in reckless/injurious style of play
• 31 year old, probable 10 year veteran and co-captain Adam Jones defends Burfict by saying that a concussed Antonio Brown "was probably faking it"
• Lewis himself said "I don't know if he hit him or not, I can't comment" regarding Burfict's dirty hit
• For all the hand wringing about Joey Porter being on the field tending to a motionless Antonio Brown; 31 year old Domata Peko just ran onto the field to shove a Steeler for no reason

When career, 10 year veteran Bengals can't conduct themselves without embarrassing their city on national television and permanently scarring public perception of their franchise; you have to clean house. To say nothing of the 0-7 career record in the playoffs (an NFL record).

Interesting Professional Writing On The Subject

DK on Pittsburgh Sports - Winners will Win, Losers will Lose

"Wherever this happens, including Pittsburgh, the people doing it are idiots. But I’d never seen it on this scale in any city other than Philadelphia, and that place is such a lost cause it barely counts.

Here’s hoping this disgraceful scene, witnessed by a huge national TV audience, sticks with Cincinnati long enough to cut deeply. 

This is what losers do. Not in football. In life."

Just a scathing take-down by Pittsburgh sports moral compass Dejan Kovacevic. Not unlike my week ~14 book report, he's basically arguing that there is no saving Cincinnati OH.


Cincinnati.com - The Night it all went wrong

"Restaurateur Nick Lachey’s post-game tweet about the Bengals’ meltdown would be shared over 200 times.

“I’m done. A broken man. I can’t do it anymore. This is insanity. Only Cleveland knows more pain. Change is needed,” he tweeted." 

Hey Nick, riddle for ya. How hot is coach Marvin Lewis' hot seat?

A: 98 degrees :P

Post-Gazette: Bengals idiocy extends Steelers' postseason run

"Jones’ brain cramp on top of Burfict’s malice pulled the Steelers from the 47 all the way to the Bengals’ 17, well within range of their outstanding thumper Chris Boswell, whose 35-yard field goal with 14 seconds left sent the Steelers to Denver and the Bengals screaming back to their personal postseason hell."

No recap of Saturday's masterpiece Wildcard game would be complete without a veteran journalist reflecting on just how stupid the last 2 Bengal penalties really were. Hey dummies, our QB couldn't throw the ball 10 yards! 

Baltimore Beatdown - Bengals linebacker Vontaze Burfict should be banned from the NFL

"As a former amateur football player that is currently getting evaluated by neurologists because I am seeing some of the same CTE signs so prevalent in current and former professional football players, I have this to say to Vontaze Burfict: 

You are a wretched human being that needs to reevaluate your life and get the help you need mentally. Not only are you perpetuating debilitating injures and disease on your fellow players, the amount of concussions you have had is shortening the life you have left with your own family and friends. If not for the health of those around you, do it for your own health before you end up like so many of the former football players behind you... a bullet hole in your heart so doctors can study your brain."

Runaway hottest take of the weekend coming out of Baltimore. Moving on...

Cleveland.com - Once again the Browns will sit out the NFL playoffs

"CLEVELAND, Ohio — The 2015 season ended for the Browns with last Sunday's loss to the Pittsburgh Steelers. For the 16th time in the 17 years since returning in 1999, the Browns will not play a part in the NFL playoffs.

Since 1999, the Browns have made the playoffs only once. That was in 2002 with a 9-7 record. They proceeded to lose in the wild-card round to Pittsburgh."

Not really about Marvin Lewis but I think a little perspective will cheer everyone up after a particularly trying wild card weekend.

We Dey :)

Why do the Cincinnati Bengals hate us?

Earlier this week Cincinnati Bengals' linebacker Vontaze Burfict was quoted as saying "I hate Pittsburgh. It's nothing personal; that's just the way it is." Burfict is the player previously responsible for the hit that ended Le'veon Bell's season ~20 minutes after it began; he was also fined for a low/potentially dangerous hit on Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger (see above). The teams are 1-1 in head-to-head matchups this season.

So when Steelers players were asked about Burfict's comments, they were a bit confused. Steelers Guard Ramon Foster:

“That’s bad because we are such great guys over here,” Steelers guard Ramon Foster said, via Mark Kaboly of the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. “I honestly don’t know why they hate us. I don’t know. Maybe it is something personal, but it is just a game.”

Now a response like that could be taken as trolling, but I'm going to assume it's sincere here. Look, Ramon Foster is a 30 year old undrafted free agent who carved out a 7+ year career with the greatest NFL franchise of all time if we're going by super bowl trophies. His twitter has ~1000 tweets that are mostly just different variations of this:

This is not a man who engages in trolling. So let's try to get Mr. Foster an answer; why do the Bengals hate us?

History

The media covering the NFL have been falling all over themselves to tell us that the Cincinnati Bengals haven't won a playoff game in 25 years. Great stat, nice round number. Their last win was a 41-14 home shellacking of the Houston Oilers, a team that either doesn't exist anymore or is actually two teams now, depending on your perspective.

How did this all happen to the settlers of southern Ohio/northern Kentucky? It's actually pretty interesting. Per wikipedia, a quick timeline:

• In 1944 Cleveland, OH is award an AAFC franchise. They are founded by a newspaper tycoon who immediately installs popular Ohio State Buckeyes coach Paul Brown as GM, Head Coach, and a charter member with a share of the team's profits. Brown was also given the job of naming the team
• Despite protests from Brown, who wanted to call them the Cleveland Panthers, the team is named the Cleveland Browns due to overwhelming popular demand
• In 1961, the Browns are sold to jagoff Brooklyn advertising hotshot Art Modell, a man who will later move the Browns to Baltimore, MD. There is an immediate power struggle between Modell and Brown, who still owns 12% of the team himself. After going 7-6-1 in 1962, Modell unceremoniously fires Paul Brown
• In 1966, Brown gets back into the game by founding the AFL's Cincinnati Bengals. Brown spent a few years wanting to get back into professional football, and considered both Columbus and Cincinnati for the new team. The nasty 'nati won out when Brown was able to strike a deal sharing a new riverfront stadium with the Cincinnati Reds baseball team
• The upstart Bengals win AFC championships in both 1981 and '88, but lose both Super Bowls XVI and XXIII to the San Francisco 49ers. They win the aforementioned '91 playoff game on January 6, 1991
• Moving along, take it away wiki:

"The 1990s and the 2000s were a period of great struggle. The Bengals had several head coaches and several of their top draft picks did not pan out. Mike Brown, the team's de facto general manager,[5] was rated as among the worst team owners in American professional sports.[6] Compounding matters were off-field problems of several players, notably receiver Chris Henry, who was suspended several times during his short professional career and was actually released by the Bengals at one point, but was then re-signed for the 2009 season."

•  In 2003 Carson Palmer comes to save the day, and the Bengals we know and love begin their run of regular season successes capped by first round playoff losses after just 6 short years of development

So how does Pittsburgh fit into all of this?

On Sunday, January 8, 2006 (so 10 years ago), Carson Palmer is knocked out of Cincinnati's first playoff appearance in 15 years on the Bengals first offensive drive. It's an awkward tackle by the Steelers Kimo von Oelhoffen, who is basically blamed for ending the Carson Palmer era in Cincinnati. I dunno or really care whether anyone thinks this is a dirty hit; von Oelhoffen was your classic soft-spoken Hawaiian NFL guy who has too much honor to conduct himself like a dirty player. Sorry you lost your wildcard game.

On a more macro level, since moving to Paul Brown Stadium in 2000, the Bengals are 3-14 hosting Pittsburgh in regular and postseason games. Since their franchise renaissance under Andy Dalton (beginning in 2011):

Ok, now we're getting somewhere. The above table was compiled by neurotic SBNation Cincinnati representative blog Cincy Stripes. It was part of a post urging Bengals fans not to boo the Steelers today, because all that booing makes them stronger. So 'Cincy hates Pittsburgh' is an inferiority complex. Got it. 

That's fine for the city, but what's Vontaze Burfict's problem?

Vontaze Burfict was an extremely talented undrafted free agent signing who struggled his whole career to stay on the field due to academic issues and generic "attitude problems." He was an instant contributor for the Bengals and earned a 4-year contract extension in 2014.

I think that snapshot of Burfict's career makes the case for a guy who would be loyal to the Cincinnati Bengals for life, provided he's treated right. These are the seasons he's experienced since joining the team in 2012:

If you're a Bengals guy, this is a distressing table. You have played 8 difficult games against the Pittsburgh Steelers and you've seen 3 promising seasons end in the wild card round of the playoffs. If 'I hate Pittsburgh' gets you fired up then more power to you.

Personal Reasons/Trash Talk

There's been some strong tweets coming out of the 'burgh this season; while I think it's clear that Vince Williams isn't going to do anything, a death threat is certainly personal

Pacman Jones, unhappy with ESPN's coverage of Vontaze Burfict

Marcus Gilbert wishing for Cincy in the playoffs because that's where they always choke

Burfict - you mad bro? After ending Le'veon Bell's season in a week 8 CIN victory

Our hero Ramon Foster, not trash talking so much as explaining how Burfict always seems to end up in controversial plays

Wikipedia list of NFL fines on Vontaze Burfict

• $31,000 for hitting a defenseless GB receiver and striking another player in the groin (same game)
• $69,454 for low hit on Big Ben
• "On October 10, 2014, Panthers TE Greg Olsen accused Burfict of intentionally trying to injure Olsen and Panther's QB Cam Newton by twisting their ankles after the play was over.[43]On October 15, 2014, Burfict was fined $25,000 for twisting ankles on both Newton and Olsen.[44]"
• That last one is hilarious; also, are NFL fine dollar amounts just completely arbitrary?

Mayors bet on the game 

So Burfict and Cincy hate us; that doesn't mean our two towns' mayors can't be civil and break bread / french fry over a silly playoff bet, does it? Post Gazette:

"The mayors of Pittsburgh and Cincinnati will battle for bragging rights, but their fortunes will depend on the success of their city's football team. 

Mayor Bill Peduto and Cincinnati Mayor John Cranley are placing friendly wagers on who will win Saturday night's AFC Wild Card game. The bet also will benefit local charities. 

Mr. Peduto will wager a care package of sandwiches from Primanti Bros ...

If Pittsburgh wins, Mr. Cranley will be sending items from Gold Star Chili. 

“I stand with all Pittsburghers in the support of our Steelers,” Mr. Peduto said in a statement. “I’d like to thank Mayor Cranley for being a good sport and our local food partners for their continued commitment to our community. I’ve never had Cincinnati’s Gold Star Chili but I think it will pair nicely with a Black and Gold victory.” "

Yeah, no kidding you've never heard of Gold Star Chili, even Cincinnatians won't touch that stuff. You couldn't spring for Skyline, Cincinnati Mayor John Cranley? Now you guys are just being petty.

The Pick

Vontaze Burfict is being a pre-emptive sore loser. Go Steelers

 

Stillers' 2016 home & road opponents are released

Home: Cowboys, Giants, Jets, Pats, Chiefs, Bengals, Ravens, Browns

7-1 with loss to Bengals. Only playoff teams coming to Heinz in 2016 are Pats, Bengals and the freaking Chiefs. Spicy...

Road: Bills, Dolphins, Eagles, 'Skins, Colts, Bengals, Ravens, Browns

7-1 with a controversial loss @ Ravens. Skins, Colts, Bengals are all fake good teams and Bills, Dolphins, Eagles, Ravens are all hopelessly without direction.

I think with all our hard games at home, the defending super bowl champion Steelers will probably go 14-2 in 2016 :)

Raiders, Rams, Chargers all apply for relocation to Los Angeles at the same time!

From PFT:

“Three teams – the Oakland Raiders, St. Louis Rams, and San Diego Chargers – each submitted applications to our office today to relocate their franchises to the Los Angeles area beginning with the 2016 season. Each team submitted the appropriate documentation in support of its application as required by the NFL Policy and Procedures for Proposed Franchise Relocations."

One of my big ideas about sports of late is that if I was elected President of the United States, couldn't i just make it illegal for cities to pay hundreds of millions of dollars to help billionaire sports owners build stadiums? It's not like they're going to move to freaking Toronto and there's only like 120 people who would be opposed...

Given that that will never happen, and knowing that these three teams coveting 2 spots in a hypothetical LA stadium is the NFL's worst-kept secret; let's power rank the potential future LA teams:

1. LA Raiders - per Wikipedia, the Oakland Raiders played in Los Angeles from 1982-1994; they do not have the same local tenure as the once LA Rams. OTOH, Bo Jackson played his entire NFL career here, and Ice Cube / Snoop Dogg made one of the more confusing 30 for 30's about that team. The Raiders are also arguably the best team talent-wise seeking a move; and they may play in the biggest dump of a stadium in US professional sports

2 LA Rams - played in LA from 1946-1994, but geographically they were basically the Anaheim Rams from 1980-94. They were the Greatest Show on Turf in the late '90's with Kurt Warner, so they have a better history in St Louis than the Raiders had that one year Jon Gruden coached the team. That said they've been totally forgettable since ~2004 & the STL Cardinals have lame fans so this may be no great loss

distant 3 LA Chargers - I can't even remember them being a part of LA but apparently the reason the NFL was all good with this much relocation after years of using LA as an empty threat for stadium funding (guess everyone finally got their stadiums?) is cause all 3 teams were once the "LA _____s". Well the Chargers were only in LA for the 1960 season, and they clearly have the strongest identity in their current city.. plus they are pretty clearly the most egregious extortionists of the 3. From owner Dean Spanos:

"We’ve had nine different proposals that we’ve made that all of were basically rejected by the city. Over 25 percent of our business comes from Riverside County, Orange County and the Los Angeles County area. And another team or teams going in that area would have a huge impact on that. I think that’s what really was the catalyst that got this whole thing going because when the Rams decided to make their move there, this was a move to protect our business more than anything. And so we find ourselves where we do right now.”

So what happens if the Chargers don’t move to Los Angeles?

“We’re back here and we’re going to be here for the next year for sure,” Spanos said. “We’ll look at all the possibilities are, obviously, with the city and see what our alternatives could be.” 

The chargers were the first team to apply for relocation but I have to think the max NFL teams a ~20+ years dormant LA NFL market can support is 2, & that San Diego is on the outside looking in. They also just seemed saddest when their "last ever home game" was staged.

'member this famous pic of Phil Rivers?

The much maligned South Side Burger King is back in the news - Happy 2016 folks!

From WPXI:

"PITTSBURGH — A customer at a fast-food restaurant in Pittsburgh’s South Side says a burger he bought for his girlfriend’s 4-year-old son was crawling with ants.

Jairis Davis told Channel 11 News that the burger was purchased at the Burger King on East Carson Street. He said he had gotten food for his girlfriend’s children, and the 4-year-old made the discovery.
“He opened it up and said, ‘Mom I don't want this, there are bugs in it.’ I said, ‘No, there's no bugs in there.’ Then I saw the ants crawling on the bottom bun and I took it right back,” he said.
Davis said the fast-food restaurant refunded his money and offered to make a new order, which he refused."

They took video too, which you can see here:

http://www.wpxi.com/videos/news/south-side-burger-king-customer-claims-burger-was/vDg86x/

Burger King, for their part, is denying the story; with the manager saying they pay for monthly inspections and "there's no reason to believe the ants in the video came from the restaurant."

The affected couple filed a complaint with the Allegheny County Health department, who add that the Southside BK was last inspected in April, with one major violation recorded for some kind of refrigerator problem...

This is pretty obviously a gross prank by a teenaged staff; that said it is a worthy addition to the legend of the Southside burger king. For those who don't know..

Bogus Burger King? Customers say South Side restaurant isn't the real deal

"PITTSBURGH - The sign outside a South Side restaurant says Burger King, but Channel 11 reporter Timyka Artist reports that inside it’s not the real deal.

Artist talked to a customer who said the food didn’t taste like Burger King during her recent visit."

“The food was in a brown paper bag.  The fries were in a Dixie cup.  I said. ‘What is this?’” said Montanya Crosby. 

Artist went in the restaurant to get answers from management.  Artist and her photographer were asked to leave by a security guard.

Let's go to the footage:

The story kicks off with news that the sign had been removed from Burger King's East Carson Street location. Apparently they had workers come out and do that about an hour ago, and people are asking questions. Despite the sign change, employees inside are still wearing Burger King uniforms. What gives?

This is Montanya Crosby, a customer who appears to be telling her story over the phone while also being interviewed by WPXI? That's a great time-saving technique from a natural storyteller. Montanya is the one who got her fries in a dixie cup. So what gives?

Montanya's not the only one asking questions about the flame-broiled burger joint. This all began when "a Pittsburgh social media site called reddit.com" started commenting on this phenomenon about a week ago, says Artist.

"I mean, the cup doesn't say Burger King on it."

Customers have been getting food in plain brown paper bags and generic foil packaging. So what gives? Well Ms Artist dropped by to get some answers from management...

"PLEASE GET THAT OFF MY PROPERTY"  OOOOOOOO busted. I don't want to tell WPXI how to do their jobs, but how do you not first buy a bag of burgers from this faux BK?

Get a Latte', A+ joke. But what gives? Eventually an assistant manager claims that they are transitioning into a new business called South Side Burgers. It even says so on the receipt:

Ok, but the drive-thru menu still looks like a Burger King, and the employees are still wearing BK uniforms. Is this misleading to the customer?

"Yeah I didn't know, I actually ordered the Double Whopper. Um, I asked if they had the Italian thing and they didn't, so..."

"They need to make it, make it known that it's not a Burger King."

WPXI's Timyka Artist followed up with the health department, who sent someone over that was told they would be closing their doors tomorrow and changing their name. Artist says that by law, they would actually have to amend their permit to make the change

Artist also put a call in to BK Corporate offices who have yet to call her back but also told her that they are conducting their own internal investigation. This story is from February 2014..

Got to love a good consumer watchdog